[Mr. Lifeguard is in the locker room. Paul Priest and Jade walk in and approach him.]
Mr. Lifeguard: Hey, look who it is! It’s so great to see you guys, the NRWL’s newest happy couple!
[Mr. Lifeguard extends a hand to Paul. Paul appears to be distracted and completely ignores the handshake request.]
Paul Priest: Yes, we came here looking for you, actually!
[Mr. Lifeguard puts his hand down.]
Mr. Lifeguard: Me?
Paul Priest: Yes. You see, Jade, my passionate lover here, is going to be in a wrestling match at the next show. I was very excited at first. Girl on girl action, right here in the NRWL? Amazing! Am I right?!
Mr. Lifeguard: Well sure! Always good to see athletes get an opportunity to succeed, be it a man or a woman.
[Paul scrunches his face and looks at Mr. Lifeguard.]
Paul Priest: What? What are you… Um, anyway. Here's the thing. I was pretty excited about it at first. But then, I thought to myself, "What would I do if Jade were somehow injured in the ring?" I decided it was time I educate myself on some basic first aid.
Mr. Lifeguard: That is wonderful! I wish more people would become familiar with first aid and safety techniques. Seeing as we are talking about a wrestling match, a common injury that should be properly dealt with is a neck or head injury.
Paul Priest: Perfect.
Mr. Lifeguard: Jade, please lie down on this mat on the floor.
[Jade makes herself comfortable on the mat.]
Mr. Lifeguard: Ok, Paul, you kneel down beside Jade here.
[Paul kneels down at Jade's shoulders.]
Mr. Lifeguard: Very important, you want to make sure you do not move the neck. Keep her head straight.
[Paul moves over above Jade's head and holds her neck in place. As he does this, he begins to caress her face and neck with his hands.]
Mr. Lifeguard: That’s not actually encouraged. You can lose concentration and possibly further aggravate the injury.
Paul Priest: It's important to be comfortable. How does that feel, my dear?
Jade: Mmmm.. That's nice, baby. I'm very comfortable.
Mr. Lifeguard: Uh. Ok, how about this. Let's try something else. Another injury that could occur is a leg injury. Let's say that Jade twists her knee. Are you familiar with RICE?
Jade: Oh, are we ever!!!
[Mr. Lifeguard gives her a questioning look.]
Paul Priest: Yep. It's our favorite position of them all! Reverse Indian C--
Mr. Lifeguard: Whoa! Hold up! Not- Not that. No. I’m talking about Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation! Come on, do you even care about first aid?
Jade: We do! I’ll feel a lot safer out there if Paul knows how to take care of me should something go wrong. We want to get this right.
Mr. Lifeguard: Ok, let's continue.
[Paul has a very concerned look on his face.]
Paul Priest: Doctor, I have a fear that something truly terrible may happen. What if... What if she stops breathing? Is there anything that can be done?
Mr. Lifeguard: First of all, I'm not a doctor, but I am a certified lifeguard with the American Lifeguard Association. Second, while I sincerely hope this does not happen, if Jade somehow suffers a terrible injury and stops breathing you'll need to perform CPR. Which stands for Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation! It does not stand for anything else!
[Jade and Paul look at each other with and both shake their heads.]
Jade: Not following, doc.
Mr. Lifeguard: I'm not a doctor!
Paul Priest: But you're dressed like one.
[Mr. Lifeguard looks at his outfit which is his normal wrestling attire.]
Mr. Lifeguard: I am not! Look, maybe we should stop.
Paul Priest: Wait, wait. No, this is important. We really do want to learn. Please.
Jade: Yes, please Mr. Lifeguard! We just want to be safe.
[Mr. Lifeguard closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and exhales. He opens his eyes.]
Mr. Lifeguard: Alright. CPR. It's a combination of rescue breaths and chest compressions.
[Jade begins to remove the top she is wearing.]
Mr. Lifeguard: What are you doing?
Jade: I feel I should remove my shirt if we need to perform on my chest.
Mr. Lifeguard: No, that's not right at all. You can leave your clothes on.
Jade: I really feel like I'm supposed to do this.
Paul Priest: I agree.
[Mr. Lifeguard waves his hands.]
Mr. Lifeguard: Let's try it my way first. OK?
[Paul shrugs and Jade pulls her top back down.]
Paul Priest: [muttering to Jade] This is never going to work.
Mr. Lifeguard: Let's start with the rescue breathing. Paul, if you need to perform rescue breathing you will tilt Jade's head back a little to ensure an open airway. Then, you'll pinch her nose. Finally, if this were a real situation, you would cover her mouth with yours and breathe in.
Paul Priest: Ok, I think I got this.
[Paul tilts Jade's head back slightly and pinches her nose.]
Mr. Lifeguard: That's it! You got it. Great job, Paul!
[Paul then covers Jade's mouth with his and the two begin kissing passionately.]
Mr. Lifeguard: Wait! Stop! If you do that to a stranger, they can press charges! It’s not proper procedure!
Paul Priest: I really think we are getting it, though. I do!
Jade: It's true. I feel refreshed already.
Mr. Lifeguard: It's not supposed to be THAT refreshing.
Paul Priest: Now, you mentioned something about chest compressions?
Mr. Lifeguard: Yes. You'll need to find the middle of Jade's chest and place one of your palms there. Place the other hand on top. In a real emergency situation, you would push down on her chest.
[Paul moves into position. He correctly places his hands on Jade's chest and holds them there.]
Jade: It's not working. I really think it would be better if I took my shirt off.
Mr. Lifeguard: He's not doing anything! He's just in position. He's not going to do the actual compressions. This is only to be done if you are not breathing. You can be seriously hurt otherwise.
[Paul's hands shift from their proper CPR position and begin to cup Jade's breasts. Jade closes her eyes and moans.]
Jade: Oh yeah…. This CPR is awesome…
Paul Priest: Seriously. This will be our new warm up routine!
Mr. Lifeguard: No! This isn’t right!
[Mr. Lifeguard, at the end of his wits, pulls Paul off of Jade. Paul pulls Mr. Lifeguard down on the floor. Jade gets up and gets in between both men as Paul is standing up. Paul trips and knocks Jade on top of Mr. Lifeguard. Paul grabs hold of Jade’s waist from behind and is about to pull her off when all three hear a scream and freeze in position. All three slowly turn their head toward the door to the locker room. A young child in a wheelchair is in the doorway. His mother is behind him. The child has a photograph of Mr. Lifeguard and a marker in his hands. He looks horrified.]
Child: Mommy! Mr. Lifeguard is having a threesome!
Mother: I -- Well, I never! This isn't first aid, Billy! Forget you ever saw it!!! Let’s get out of here!
[The mother pulls Billy’s wheelchair out of the room and they quickly escape down the hallway. Mr. Lifeguard throws Jade off of him, gets up, and runs down the hallway.]
Mr. Lifeguard: Wait! Wait!!! I can explain this!
[Paul and Jade just look at each other and shrug. A few moments later, Mr. Lifeguard returns and looks furious.]
Mr. Lifeguard: That young boy was Billy. The Make-A-Wish Foundation arranged to have him meet with me because he’s such a dedicated fan of first aid. You just ruined his moment. You have ruined his faith in first aid.
Paul Priest: He’ll get over it.
[Mr. Lifeguard’s eyes get wide.]
Mr. Lifeguard: I will make you pay for this in the ring. I will fix this mess you've caused.
[Mr. Lifeguard storms out. Paul and Jade watch him leave. Paul looks at Jade with a puzzled look.]
Paul Priest: Hey.
Jade: Yeah?
Paul Priest: How come I never get any of the Make-A-Wish kids?
