Cashing In

April 5th 2011



This is the J-Transfer and this is Jay Philips bringing you more breaking news in the aftermath of last Thursday's show! Coming fresh off his loss to Ingoyama, we caught up with Scotty "The Body" Paris...







*cut to Scotty sitting on a therapeutic couch in an immaculate sun-room. His arms are held out while several masseuses rub down and ice his arms and back. Another helper is holding a cell phone to Scotty's ear.*




Scotty: I don't care WHAT they say! The problem is NOT with me! Clearly, the problem is I have the wrong trainers and coaches! But I fixed that first thing last Friday morning. They're all gone and I hired a whole new and better group of trainers. I HATE looking bad. And this is two shows in a row that I've looked bad. It's unacceptable! And it's partly your fault too! I mean, what were you thinking booking me a match like that??? What do you have to say for yourself?? Quiet! I'm still talking! You're not looking out for my best interests! Even if I beat that aborigine, people would be like, 'Ooooh! Scotty! Congratulations on beating someone who just figured out an airplane isn't an angry sky demon!' This match was a lose-lose for me! I am a winner, and people are starting to have doubts that I am!




Now, here's what going to happen. You're going to talk to the NRWL execs, and you're going to get me into that proposed ladder match between Apollyon and Rex Anarchy. .......I know that, tool! I know they won't grant me a chance at the title! I'm not dumb, which you're obviously implying! You need to make it happen like this: if either of them somehow win, they can do whatever title changing they want, or have another match one-on-one or whatever, I don't care! But if I win, I want it to be a 'money in the bank' stipulation. A title shot when I want one! .....Don't give me that! Make it happen! Or the next thing I'm going to lose is my agent for another one who can make things actually happen in my favor! Start earning your paycheck, you tick!




*turns to assistant*




Scotty: Disconnect that call angrily!




*Assistant winds up and thrusts thumb down on the "End Call' button, messing up the phone's LCD*




Scotty: Now go throw that phone in the garbage disposal!




*Assistant leaves, heading towards kitchen*




Scotty: Man, I gotta do everything around here..... OW! Watch it! Easy on the bruises!




*scene cuts to sound of garbage disposal turning on in the next room*







Scotty "The Bruised Body" Paris trying to insert himself into a ladder match with champion Rex Anarchy and the monstrous Apollyon? Yikes. Good luck with that, Scotty. And I mean that in regards to if you're actually granted the match...