First Aid Gone Horribly Wrong

[Mr. Lifeguard is in the locker room. Paul Priest and Jade walk in and approach him.]

Mr. Lifeguard: Hey, look who it is! It’s so great to see you guys, the NRWL’s newest happy couple!

[Mr. Lifeguard extends a hand to Paul. Paul appears to be distracted and completely ignores the handshake request.]

Paul Priest: Yes, we came here looking for you, actually!

[Mr. Lifeguard puts his hand down.]

Mr. Lifeguard: Me?

Paul Priest: Yes. You see, Jade, my passionate lover here, is going to be in a wrestling match at the next show. I was very excited at first. Girl on girl action, right here in the NRWL? Amazing! Am I right?!

Mr. Lifeguard: Well sure! Always good to see athletes get an opportunity to succeed, be it a man or a woman.

[Paul scrunches his face and looks at Mr. Lifeguard.]

Paul Priest: What? What are you… Um, anyway. Here's the thing. I was pretty excited about it at first. But then, I thought to myself, "What would I do if Jade were somehow injured in the ring?" I decided it was time I educate myself on some basic first aid.

Mr. Lifeguard: That is wonderful! I wish more people would become familiar with first aid and safety techniques. Seeing as we are talking about a wrestling match, a common injury that should be properly dealt with is a neck or head injury.

Paul Priest: Perfect.

Mr. Lifeguard: Jade, please lie down on this mat on the floor.

[Jade makes herself comfortable on the mat.]

Mr. Lifeguard: Ok, Paul, you kneel down beside Jade here.

[Paul kneels down at Jade's shoulders.]

Mr. Lifeguard: Very important, you want to make sure you do not move the neck. Keep her head straight.

[Paul moves over above Jade's head and holds her neck in place. As he does this, he begins to caress her face and neck with his hands.]

Mr. Lifeguard: That’s not actually encouraged. You can lose concentration and possibly further aggravate the injury.

Paul Priest: It's important to be comfortable. How does that feel, my dear?

Jade: Mmmm.. That's nice, baby. I'm very comfortable.

Mr. Lifeguard: Uh. Ok, how about this. Let's try something else. Another injury that could occur is a leg injury. Let's say that Jade twists her knee. Are you familiar with RICE?

Jade: Oh, are we ever!!!

[Mr. Lifeguard gives her a questioning look.]

Paul Priest: Yep. It's our favorite position of them all! Reverse Indian C--

Mr. Lifeguard: Whoa! Hold up! Not- Not that. No. I’m talking about Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation! Come on, do you even care about first aid?

Jade: We do! I’ll feel a lot safer out there if Paul knows how to take care of me should something go wrong. We want to get this right.

Mr. Lifeguard: Ok, let's continue.

[Paul has a very concerned look on his face.]

Paul Priest: Doctor, I have a fear that something truly terrible may happen. What if... What if she stops breathing? Is there anything that can be done?

Mr. Lifeguard: First of all, I'm not a doctor, but I am a certified lifeguard with the American Lifeguard Association. Second, while I sincerely hope this does not happen, if Jade somehow suffers a terrible injury and stops breathing you'll need to perform CPR. Which stands for Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation! It does not stand for anything else!

[Jade and Paul look at each other with and both shake their heads.]

Jade: Not following, doc.

Mr. Lifeguard: I'm not a doctor!

Paul Priest: But you're dressed like one.

[Mr. Lifeguard looks at his outfit which is his normal wrestling attire.]

Mr. Lifeguard: I am not! Look, maybe we should stop.

Paul Priest: Wait, wait. No, this is important. We really do want to learn. Please.

Jade: Yes, please Mr. Lifeguard! We just want to be safe.

[Mr. Lifeguard closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and exhales. He opens his eyes.]

Mr. Lifeguard: Alright. CPR. It's a combination of rescue breaths and chest compressions.

[Jade begins to remove the top she is wearing.]

Mr. Lifeguard: What are you doing?

Jade: I feel I should remove my shirt if we need to perform on my chest.

Mr. Lifeguard: No, that's not right at all. You can leave your clothes on.

Jade: I really feel like I'm supposed to do this.

Paul Priest: I agree.

[Mr. Lifeguard waves his hands.]

Mr. Lifeguard: Let's try it my way first. OK?

[Paul shrugs and Jade pulls her top back down.]

Paul Priest: [muttering to Jade] This is never going to work.

Mr. Lifeguard: Let's start with the rescue breathing. Paul, if you need to perform rescue breathing you will tilt Jade's head back a little to ensure an open airway. Then, you'll pinch her nose. Finally, if this were a real situation, you would cover her mouth with yours and breathe in.

Paul Priest: Ok, I think I got this.

[Paul tilts Jade's head back slightly and pinches her nose.]

Mr. Lifeguard: That's it! You got it. Great job, Paul!

[Paul then covers Jade's mouth with his and the two begin kissing passionately.]

Mr. Lifeguard: Wait! Stop! If you do that to a stranger, they can press charges! It’s not proper procedure!

Paul Priest: I really think we are getting it, though. I do!

Jade: It's true. I feel refreshed already.

Mr. Lifeguard: It's not supposed to be THAT refreshing.

Paul Priest: Now, you mentioned something about chest compressions?

Mr. Lifeguard: Yes. You'll need to find the middle of Jade's chest and place one of your palms there. Place the other hand on top. In a real emergency situation, you would push down on her chest.

[Paul moves into position. He correctly places his hands on Jade's chest and holds them there.]

Jade: It's not working. I really think it would be better if I took my shirt off.

Mr. Lifeguard: He's not doing anything! He's just in position. He's not going to do the actual compressions. This is only to be done if you are not breathing. You can be seriously hurt otherwise.

[Paul's hands shift from their proper CPR position and begin to cup Jade's breasts. Jade closes her eyes and moans.]

Jade: Oh yeah…. This CPR is awesome…

Paul Priest: Seriously. This will be our new warm up routine!

Mr. Lifeguard: No! This isn’t right!

[Mr. Lifeguard, at the end of his wits, pulls Paul off of Jade. Paul pulls Mr. Lifeguard down on the floor. Jade gets up and gets in between both men as Paul is standing up. Paul trips and knocks Jade on top of Mr. Lifeguard. Paul grabs hold of Jade’s waist from behind and is about to pull her off when all three hear a scream and freeze in position. All three slowly turn their head toward the door to the locker room. A young child in a wheelchair is in the doorway. His mother is behind him. The child has a photograph of Mr. Lifeguard and a marker in his hands. He looks horrified.]

Child: Mommy! Mr. Lifeguard is having a threesome!

Mother: I -- Well, I never! This isn't first aid, Billy! Forget you ever saw it!!! Let’s get out of here!

[The mother pulls Billy’s wheelchair out of the room and they quickly escape down the hallway. Mr. Lifeguard throws Jade off of him, gets up, and runs down the hallway.]

Mr. Lifeguard: Wait! Wait!!! I can explain this!

[Paul and Jade just look at each other and shrug. A few moments later, Mr. Lifeguard returns and looks furious.]

Mr. Lifeguard: That young boy was Billy. The Make-A-Wish Foundation arranged to have him meet with me because he’s such a dedicated fan of first aid. You just ruined his moment. You have ruined his faith in first aid.

Paul Priest: He’ll get over it.

[Mr. Lifeguard’s eyes get wide.]

Mr. Lifeguard: I will make you pay for this in the ring. I will fix this mess you've caused.

[Mr. Lifeguard storms out. Paul and Jade watch him leave. Paul looks at Jade with a puzzled look.]

Paul Priest: Hey.

Jade: Yeah?

Paul Priest: How come I never get any of the Make-A-Wish kids?

Going After The Big Fish

[The camera fades in to show Mr. Lifeguard in the locker room, his head in his hands. A few seconds later, El Termitas walks into view]

Termitas: You're not looking too good Lifeguard. What's the matter?

Mr. Lifeguard: I've been doing some thinking. What if...what if I'm not cut out to be a wrestler? What if my true calling is saving people, and not hurting them? What if I just.......quit?

Termitas: Aw, come on man! Don't say things like that! It's only been a couple of losses. No need to beat yourself up over that! You even beat Storm Harrison!

Mr. Lifeguard: I know that but, it just seems like I can't get on a good winning streak. This goes beyond NRWL! Things haven't been the same since my father got thrown off the roof of a building by the Behemoth.

Termitas: But you got revenge on the Behemoth and beat him, remember?

Mr. Lifeguard: That's true, I suppose.

Termitas: Then I have a plan. You need to channel that anger you felt then towards massive, giant men. Then, team with me, and take it out on the Sons of Darkness!

Mr. Lifeguard: I don't know, that just seems like it won't work.

Termitas: Lifeguard, you need to remember! Remember that it was the Sons of Darkness who through your father off that roof!

Mr. Lifeguard: But it wasn't.

Termitas: They put your father in coma!

Mr. Lifeguard: He's actually healthy, now.

Termitas: Fine, fine....But you know what they DID do? They told me.... [El Termitas looks around to make sure no one else is around, then leans forward to whisper in Lifeguard's ear] ...they told me, that when they go to the beach, and they see warning flags indicating strong tides...they take those flags down, and tell swimmers that the ocean is safe!

Mr. Lifeguard: That's dangerous! People can drown!

Termitas: Exactly! And as I look around now, there's only one lifeguard that can stop them, and that's YOU! Mr. Lifeguard!

Mr. Lifeguard: I must stop them! But, you're still teaming with me, right?

Termitas: I am! I'm just not a certified lifeguard.

Mr. Lifeguard: Well I'm anointing you an honorary lifeguard for this match. The Sons of Darkness will learn a few things about safety by the time we're done with them!

Philosophies

[Mr. Lifeguard's music hits, and he comes out to the ring, energizing the crowd along the way]

Jim “The Amp” Johnson: Look at the crowd's reaction to Mr. Lifeguard!

Warhead: I never knew there were this many fans of mathematical addition!

[Lifeguard enters the ring and takes a mic]

Mr. Lifeguard: Wow....that's all I can...wow. Being back here at NRWL....this is just great! I have to admit, I was a bit nervous coming back. It's like when you were back in school, and that kid moves away for a year, but then he comes back a year later, and he's completely different and everyone hates him...well I'm not that kid, because the reception I've received has been tremendous! I want to thank all the fans out there who have been supporting me, coming up to me for pictures, for autographs...although I must say, I signed so many autographs tonight, my swimming hand is a bit sore. So if there IS someone drowning, they may die. But you know what? That will not stop me from signing more autographs for all of you Lifeguard fans!

[The crowd cheers, and Mr. Lifeguards gives his own round of applause for the crowd. This does not last long, as the music of Katsutoshi hits, and he walks out onto the ramp with Leiko]

Katsutoshi: ...You've been talking for about a minute, and you're already the most annoying man I've ever encountered. So just stop with this pandering and tell me straight up...why are you here? Because as I see it, you're here to waste space. You're here to waste time! Just go back to wherever you came from. I'm here to get to the top, and I do that by defeating opponents.

Mr. Lifeguard: Whoa, me too man! We just have different ways of going about it! I love a good match! But when I'm not in the ring fighting, why should I be walking around backstage, pretending to everyone that I'm a big mean, angry, tough guy?! I like to relax, have fun, enjoy life! Try it sometime!

Katsutoshi: Lifeguard, I hope you keep that attitude. You'll make for an easy match. [Katsutoshi and Leiko leave, while Mr. Lifeguard remains in the ring to pump the crowd up a bit more]

Jim: Two very different men, and two different styles!

Warhead: But both can go in the ring! It's going to be interesting to see where this goes between them!

Noninvasive Invasion

[The scene fades in showing eight men standing side by side backstage. A familiar NRWL face, Mr. Lifeguard, steps forward]

Mr. Lifeguard: Hello NRWL! Remember me? I'm your old pal, Mr. Lifeguard! You're probably wondering right now “Mr. Lifeguard, where oh where have you been?” Well that's an easy answer! Saving lives of course! But when I wasn't at the beach rescuing people from dangerous waters, I was wrestling in my father's company, HAW! Unfortunately...my father was thrown from the top of a building and had company power seized from him, and I failed in my attempt to get the company back resulting in many wrestlers being fired! But have no fear! I took some of my fellow unemployed wrestlers, and I'm bringing them here to NRWL! Let's go down the line and meet some of them!

[Lifeguard approaches an Italian man]

Mr. Lifeguard: Right here is none other than Franco Mancini! Franco has had some-

Franco Mancini: Shut up! I had a pretty good gig on when I was with HAW until you screwed everything up! I mean, the pay I was getting there? Couldn't be beat! I was a three time World champion! Life was good! …..But you know what? NRWL...that's got a little bit more name recognition. That's more opportunity for me, and I seize opportunity! The NRWL needs fresh blood, and I will provide that. So you guys...you better watch out!

Mr. Lifeguard: Ah, Franco! That's the fighting spirit, good job! Next in line, we have my great friend making his return to NRWL, El Termitas!

El Termitas: Debut.

Mr. Lifeguard: Excuse me?

El Termitas: Making my debut.

Mr. Lifeguard: Of course! My good friend, El Termitas, making his NRWL debut!

El Termitas: Thank you Lifeguard. And while I've never worked here before, I've always been a fan of the NRWL! I'm looking forward to getting in the ring with everyone in this roster, from legends to new, undiscovered talent in development! Maybe I'll end up capturing the NRWL championship, maybe I'll team up with my pal Mr. Lifeguard and capture the tag titles, or maybe I'll just put on entertaining matches for the fans! At the end of the day, I'm just going to enjoy this experience!

Mr. Lifeguard: Unless you get a career ending injury! Moving on down the line, we have Benjamin the Blessed, and The Filthy Friar, The Holy Duo! How do you guys feel about joining the NRWL?

Benjamin: We feel hope. Hope for the planet. With The Holy Duo wrestling again, we can destroy the world's sinners, one match at a time. A wrestler is a cruel man. Focusing on brutalizing an opponent, until they are left to drown in their own blood. And what for? A piece of gold. Greed runs rampant in this company! Unfortunately for humanity, violence can only be ended BY violence. We will end the reign of the sinners, and we will begin a new age of peace. Di te incolumem custodiant.

Mr. Lifeguard: We may need El Termitas to translate that Spanish for us! Lastly, we have a strange group of people, Crash MuscleGate, Frederic St. Pierre, and Lovable Liam! I'm glad to see the three of you guys made it!

Crash: We didn't have a choice! Everywhere I went, people were asking me two questions: “Crash, can you tell me the secret ingredient in your protein shake?” and “Crash, when are you and the MuscleGang coming back?” Well the answer to those questions are “No!” and “Now!” I'm back, and my cardio is off the charts! Frederic, how would you describe my cardio before?

Frederic: Magnifique!

Crash: Exactly! And now, it's perfect! I've got my two workout partners, and we're ready to show some new folks what we do!

Frederic: I echo the sentiments of mon ami. And I also warn the NRWL roster...beware of stereotypes. One may view moi, as a cowardly Frenchman. One may view this HAW roster as...rejects. We are not. We are to be taken seriously. If you fail to do that, you will be in for a surprise.

Liam: Exactly! Look at the muscles on these boys here! They are sooooo strong! I've wrestled everyone standing here, and I can safely say, the things they can do to you in the ring, you'll remember for a long time to come! But I also agree with El Termitas! I want to wrestle everyone I can! I'll take on all comers!

Mr. Lifeguard: Wow, what a show of confidence from Lovable Liam! You just gotta love him! Well NRWL, we hope you're ready for us! It's going to be a good season!

[Mr. Lifeguard waves goodbye as the camera fades to black]